There has been silence from our side for a couple of weeks. No, we were not on holiday, we have been moving houses – and it has been moving a lot of emotions too. Luckily, conflict is a great tool for self-awareness.
Dealing with stressful situations as a couple or family is a challenge. It is hard to take care of the other’s asks and needs when it is already a challenge to deal with your own. And it becomes tricky when the ways of approaching tasks are not the same… which they are not (at all) in our case. We managed, we got it done, and at times, it even felt really good to pull the string in the same direction.
And often it didn’t, leaving us with quite some frustration, pain and anger. When these remain unresolved, they are very likely to come up and play out again and again in a relationship. And this does not only count for romantic relationships, this applies in relation to colleagues, friends and family members alike.
In an ideal case, all parties agree on what went wrong and can clear it that way, or even laugh about it. But when that is not the case, finding a way to express our frustration and get heard by the other (with or without agreement) can achieve the same results.
There are plenty of ways to do that and you may wish to adapt the questions to your conflict. But here is a set of questions that works very well for us when we take turns to share (stick to your feelings!):
- “What worked well / I appreciated about you (in this situation) is…”
- “What was difficult for me was…“ (eg: “When we were xxx / when you did xxx, it made me feel hurt/angry/lost/not taken seriously/…”)
- “What I would need to be different next time” or: “What I need to get this out of my head is…” (an apology, your acknowledgement of my pain,…)
To feel really heard, it is useful if the respective other can repeat what they understood (no comments or judging!): “I hear that it made you angry and misunderstood when I ignored your advice, is that so?” Then the first person can confirm or correct/complete whatever they feel was missing.
Try them out! If we seek to settle a conflict it is important to be able to get the charge out. Feeling heard or acknowledged generally does the trick – whether the other agrees or not!
“Being heard is so close to being loved that, for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” – David Augsburger