In our society, there’s often confusion about what it truly means to give and serve. Acts of kindness aren’t always about giving; sometimes, they are more about taking. When we do something with the expectation of receiving something in return, we are not really giving – we are actually taking.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with either approach, but being honest about our intentions is a significant gift to ourselves and others.
Am I helping you with your paperwork because I genuinely want to, or because I seek your attention or support in return? Do I pick you up because I want to, or because I crave your appreciation? Or because I feel obliged (linked to a need to be seen as a good person or to feel belonging)? Do I throw a party out of the desire to invite people, to have fun and connect, or to be seen and noticed? Am I searching for the perfect gift to make someone happy, or because I want to feel loved and accepted?
These motivations can blur, and sometimes both are present. But when we’re aware of our true intentions, both giving and receiving become much more rewarding.
In fact, “giving” with hidden motives is eroding our self-esteem, as deep down, we know we aren’t being fully honest with ourselves or others. If we need something from someone – be it a compliment, a hug, or any other form of support – we better ask for it directly. When the other person gives it with genuine, heartfelt intention, that is when it becomes a true gift.
“You cannot meet your need to receive by giving more, no matter how much you enjoy it.”
– Betty Martin, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent